Something I feel God has been working with me on for a long time is having a heart of gratitude. I tend to be someone with high expectations. Whether it's for myself, for others or about life in general.
I have extremely high expectations.
There are definitely situations where high expectations are good, but mostly... it's a struggle.
Along with having high expectations comes a sense of entitlement.
I deserve this.
Truthfully, I deserve nothing.
In the quiet of my heart I know that. To everyone else.... they probably wouldn't see it.
So... that all leads me to a place where I don't appreciate the simple things, I don't count my blessings a lot, and I don't offer a lot of praise or gratitude to the one whose offering all this to me.
My 30 day challenge is picking one thing, every day, that I'm thankful for.
Day One:
I am thankful for my mother.
Mom, if you read this... bare with me. It gets good =]
Since it's Mothers Day, it seems appropriate to talk about my mother.
Anyone that knows me well, undoubtably knows that my relationship with my mother has been one of my biggest struggles and one of my biggest victories (though really I did nothing, it was Christ who did everything). I made it a point for the better part of 7 years to not have a good relationship with my mother. I felt she deserved to lose me as her daughter and that I had the right to take it from her. (Another story, another time)
Needless to say, in the late fall of 2007, I was a first year student at Fort Myers Masters Commission... a very angry, bitter, entitled and.... self serving first year student. (But really, who wasn't at least one of those things?)
3 months after being that I received my very first spiritual smack in the face.
I was a bitter and unforgiving person.
It first started with my struggle to be forgiven.
After I received forgiveness and forgave myself, God called me to forgive.
My first opportunity (test) was my mother. I reserved a spot in my heart specifically for her; and it was a bitter chamber.
After a few weeks of praying to feel different about her and feel forgiveness for her. Nothing changed. It was then that I really heard for the first time that forgiveness, like love, is a choice.
I had to choose it. I had to choose to forgive and to love. Which is a lot harder than it simply being taken from you. Heh.
So, I chose forgiveness. Yay! Victory!
Not so much....
God then told me I had to call her and tell her.
So I did. It sucked.
I felt defeated all over again.
Gently, God reminded me, you chose to forgive her, now walk in that forgiveness. Choose it every moment of everyday.
So I did, and I felt it was going reall well. Until my next "test" came. I was told something about my mother that I could have easily gotten mad at her for, and held forgiveness over her head. I felt myself getting angry and bitter.
Again, He reminded me, you chose forgiveness.... what is your choice now?
I knew in my heart my choice was forgiveness. That was the first moment that began to feel forgiveness for my mother.
After almost 4 years later, and a lot of "open heart surgery" on Gods part. I can honestly say I love my mother. I don't just love her, I like her. A lot. I find myself wanting to spend time with her more than some of my girl friends.
She's funny.
She's smart.
She's beautiful.
She loves Jesus.
She loves her husband.
She loves her kids.
She loves.
Through my mother, God taught me the most valuable thing; forgiveness.
Little did I know, my marriage would require a lot of forgiveness. On both parts. I'm thankful to know what I know and have learned what I did, when I did. I'm a wife who doesn't struggle with bitterness and (well.. sometimes I do...) unforgiveness.
Mom,
You're amazing. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for laying yourself down for you family.
You're the best.
love
samantha
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