So, I scratched everything I started writing, and decided to start over based on how I feel today.
Today, I feel torn. Which, is almost everyday right now.
In February, when I went to Florida with my mom I got all inspired to have an adventure. It didn't just start there, though, it started shortly before I felt- around the time that Josh and I were finalizing our mortgage documents and starting our real search for a home. We had our down payment, the area we wanted to look in, stability at work... it all seemed like it was falling together. It ended up scaring me, or maybe putting it into a permanent perspective, made me question if this was the right time.
Josh had been talking about wanting to go on an "adventure" more than a vacation. While I was in Florida, I asked him how he felt about coming to Florida for our adventure. It wasn't the first time I had mentioned this idea to him. I've known about the internships held with First Assembly Ministry for several years. Just before our 1 year anniversary, when we were moving out of St. Paul to live with my dad, I brought it up and at that time, he didn't seem too open about taking an internship. He wanted to finish school and apply at local churches. I left it alone. Until, almost exactly a year later, we were in the same predicament. He hadn't gone back to school, or applied at local churches and he still really wanted to pursue ministry whole-heartedly. So, I brought it up again and this time he got really excited.
That same day, I e-mailed the Pastor I had a connection to and asked if the internship program still existed. He replied fairly quickly and told me that it did, and he was wondering if that meant I was interested in coming down and doing an internship, if so, he would be happy to have me back.
We began the application process, interview process and were accepted almost immediately. At this point, we still haven't signed an official letter of intent, but I assume it will come by the end of the month. Everything seemed so awesome and exciting and right.
2 weeks after pursuing Florida and feeling extremely convinced that this was God's next step for us, Foss offered Josh a promotion to be the salaried S.C of Woodbury. Before February, this was exactly what Josh had wanted and had started feeling discouraged that it would actually happen. Then, just that like, it did. He really wanted to take it. We felt strongly that we needed to be honest with Foss about the internship we had applied for, and pending our acceptance, we might not be here past summer. After knowing that information, they could then decide if they still wanted Josh for the job. They did. I can still see Foss as my career, just maybe not right now.
We are out of debt, we have money saved up, we have a nice apartment, really good jobs, making really good money, we are comfortable and stable for the first time in our life together, and even as individuals since leaving the "nest". It feels really good.
Where I am right now, caters to my dreams of settling down, having a family and a home and a job and.... the list goes on. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm presented with a choice, and it's not a black and white easy decision. It's not even clear if one direction is right and one is wrong. Maybe one is good and the other is great. Going to Florida, will leave us without jobs, without our stuff, it will drain our savings and we'll lose all of our career momentum. It will be a very real sacrifice.
I want to be better about seeking God's direction. I feel like there's something I am missing. I feel really confused, and I don't have a lot of peace about anything right now. I want a super clear answer, but I know that's not how these things work. I know Josh and I are meant to work this out together, and honestly it is forcing a lot into the light on different things we want and see for our future.
Right now, we are still preparing to go. In that case, Josh will drive down sometime in the first week of August. I will drive down August 28th. My last day at Foss being Saturday, August 25th.
Housing in Florida is free and semi furnished, so we don't have to worry about our stuff outside of clothing. Easy move. We're looking into storage units for our things. The internship is 9 months, unpaid. We get a monthly stipend of 200, to help with grocery and we're allowed to work part time on the side.
Josh's role will be with college campus ministry, and mine will be more administrative working at the church with their colleged aged ministry called "The House" as a small group leader coordinator. Roles we would both love to have.
Even writing all of this helps calm me down, maybe I just need to come to a place of acceptance and let go of the life/dreams I'm clearly holding so tightly to. It's all boiling down to what I'm settling for. Good, or great?
That's about all the details I have right now.
Thank you for being interested in our life and being supportive. We could use your prayers on this one for sure.
