It has been a long time since I have felt this way, and it not been a result of guilt or conviction. Well, I would be a liar if I said some conviction didn't surround these emotions.
I have been convicted of being a "Time-Waster", which in this world is one of the worse things I can imagine. Being a Time-Waster suggests a lot of other things; apathy, complacency, disobedience and cowardice. At least, that's what surrounds it for me. It has taken me a long time to admit such things about myself. If you follow my life via blog or in person, you will notice a common theme here.
Now, let me explain some of these, so you're not worried that I'm on some down-ward spiral of self-deprecation.
Apathy; I've been straight up lazy and careless with what God as called me to do. I've been making changes for about 4 months now, but it's not enough. I want more.
Complacency; The two really go hand in hand. But I'm colder than luke warm, and you know what God thinks about being luke warm. It breaks my heart to think about how much time I've wasted.
Disobedience; We're not called to a luke warm life, we're called to a life that glorifies the One worthy of our praise, hard to do that justice with a luke warm spirit. God has called me to specific things, some of them I've wanted to know more about, others I haven't because well.... read on..
Cowardice; I've been a coward. I have always struggled with living in freedom and walking in the light of Jesus' grace, love and redemption. I've been wasting such a precious gift. I've been afraid of it being hard and uncomfortable.
Here is my confession, before my friends, family and the throne of God.
I want to live a life that shows the light of Jesus. I've died to myself only once before. (Sure, maybe in small ways but not in way of a life-style change) I believe it's time for my life to be shattered, broken and completely re-made. I believe it's time for my marriage to carry the evidence of God's power and love. I believe it's time for me to be a wife who lets her husband lead her and who passionately supports the life of ministry he has been called to.
I have made a lot of promises to people who have invested in me, promises that I haven't been fighting to keep. I need this to be more than a bunch of pretty words. Our life is going to change. We're praying through some really big decisions. With certainty that this is God's will for us, but not ready to share details. We're ready to give up everything to follow Christ. Our friends, our family, our life, our money, our time, our dreams (I sacrifice them one by one before you Jesus) our comfort, our home and our every possession.
Join me in prayer;
Father God,
Thank you for the Time you have given to me, and to Josh. Thank you for the opportunities you have placed in our daily lives. I come before you now asking for your guidance, your wisdom and your grace as Josh and I move forward with the call you have placed on our lives. We want, so desperately, to have a life that is YOUR life, through us. We pray your will be done. I give you my life. I give you my desires. My dreams of having a home, a baby (a family) and financial security. I will follow you, even if it means that I never have those things. I accept the challenge of a life called to obedience to you. Lord, give us patience. Give us wisdom. Make us love, and keep us humble. I pray that you will guide our steps and that you would soften our spirits to receiving your word. I pray for the support of our friends and family in the coming months. I pray for the ministry that will be receiving us (where ever that may be) place us on their hearts and give us favor in the community. Help ease us and give us peace when we feel discouraged. Help us remember, when things get hard, that this is what we prayed for. Refine us and qualify us. We love you, we need you, so much.
Seeking to serve and surrender,
Samantha
